Saturday, March 19, 2011

Rebecca Black's song "Friday"...Maybe NOT the Worst Song Ever?

"Friday, Friday, sing stupid crap on Friday"!
The hottest buzz online is over some little pop tart named Rebecca Black and her tune "Friday". Most of the stories online said it was the worst song ever!  Really?  The WORST…EV-UR!?  Naturally, I had to see for myself, so I fired up youtube and subjected myself to her horrible video.

 My gosh, it's bad.  The kind of bad that one usually associates with food poisoning and herpes combined.  Yes, it REALLY is a horrid song and video, but the WORST?  I got to thinking about some of the garbage that's been foisted on the public over the years, and believe I have come up with ten songs that could possibly, maybe, ALMOST be as bad as Rebecca Black's "Friday"…if not WORSE!!!!! 

See for yourself.  (By the way, I am not liable for any injuries that may result from listening to this music!)

1) William Shatner - "Mr. Tambourine Man"
Uh…you just have to hear it to believe it!  Shatner does for music what red hot fire pokers do for your ass!!  I'm confident in saying that if this is the kind of stuff Captain Kirk were known for throughout the galaxy, he would have been spaced after performing 30 seconds of this song!

2) Gwen Stefani - "Hollaback Girl"

Truly one of the most annoying songs in history!  This proves that the brains behind the great music of "No Doubt" doubtless came from the other members of the band!  This is an audio abortion!  In the video, Gwen is  a 35 year old woman trying to pull off a high school look!  This is NOT 90210 Gwen, leave that crap for Tori Spelling!  EPIC FAIL!!

3) William Hung - "Hotel California"
I should probably be shot for including this bastardization of an Eagles classic, but damn folks, we ARE talking about some seriously EVIL music here! There's no denying it, William Hung is the devil's retarded stepchild when it comes to awful tunes.  Watch if you dare….

4) Justin Bieber - "Baby"
Justin Bieber is a no-talent hack.  Ok, he's a rich, no-talent hack.  I don't think that anyone will argue that he has zero musical talent, that this song is a study in inane lyrics and that Ludacris is now officially a bitch for singing in this song.  Nor will you argue it's proof positive that ice picks to the ears are a viable option to Bieber's "music"…

5) Wing - "Back In Black"

I must admit, I would never have heard of Wing had she not been featured in an episode of "South Park".  As I watched the cartoon, I thought she was merely another creation of Matt Stone and Trey Parker for the show.  To my amazement, Wing actually is a product of…well…maybe a black ops genetic experiment gone mad!  She's REAL!!!  Curse you Parker and Stone for spreading her fame!!! 

6) Tiny Tim - "Tiptoe Through The Tulips"
I had to go back a few decades for this one.  In case you've never heard of Tiny Tim, he was a man that looked like a zombie child molester (A molester of child zombies y'all.  Let me clarify that), who played a ukelele, and sang in a high-pitched falsetto voice that suggested his testicles were lost in a farm accident.  If you combined the DNA of Morticia Addams and Stevie Nicks, you'd have THIS! 

7) Eddie Murphy - "Party All the Time"

In the 80's, Eddie Murphy was one of the biggest comedy talents on the planet and Rick James was at the top of his game in the music biz.  Put them together and you have…DOG CRAP ON A STICK!!!  If Rebecca Black's lyrics in "Friday" annoyed the hell outta you, then prepare for an audio onslaught to your intelligence with this classic!  In the words of Rick James, "Cocane is a POWERFUL DRUG!!!"  I wonder what Eddie was on though…

8) Emily Osment - "Lovesick"
A sampling of the lyrics says it all! 

We're so mono
Together we can be stereo
St-st-st- stereo, LOVE
You look so low, low
Together we could get high, high-five

Boom boom, super sonic, Boom super sonic, Boom
You make my heart go ( You make my heart go)
Boom boom, super sonic, boom super sonic, boom
You make my heart go ( Super sonic boom, super sonic boom)

Ok, the video is slickly done.  It's pretty and shiny and everything looks colorful, but Emily Osment…well you can't polish a turd folks, no matter how much you try.  Her voice is so flat and overdone with electronic effects, you have to wonder if she's a cyborg with an Eveready D-Cell up her ass.  Oh…and she looks like her brother…but with a rack.  BLEH!

9) Lady Gaga - "Paparazzi"
AKA: "Madonna 2.0".  Everything she does has been done before!  Yet another pop diva that relies on formulaic music, hackneyed lyrics and more than ANYTHING else, shock value.  When your music sucks, you show up on stage wearing a meat dress.  Truth be told, I could have picked any song of hers for this blurb, but this was the first one that came up on youtube so I didn't bother looking any further.  Lucky me.  Not only does she sound like Madonna, she does overblown videos like Michael Jackson.  And could someone tell me WTF is going on in the vid?!?!?

10) Paska - "Oh Shit!"
What do you say about a recording artist whose Wikipedia entry starts with:

"'Women Are from Venus, Men from Anus' is the debut album and come back album by Paska. It was released in 2005. The album title is a parody of the popular psychology book Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus.

The album was planned to be released on April 13, 2005, but was delayed because of internet piratism. The band wanted to be sure that digital pirate copies of the album had spread widely before official release. Vocalist Ari Peltonen has stated that there might not be anyone who wants to listen to the record, but one may still want to own a copy."

Uh…Ok…Can ANYONE record an album?  Listen to this song and it'll make you a believer just seconds before your brain explodes!  By the way, "Paska" is Finnish for "Shit."  Go figure...

So there you have it.  Rebecca Black's song is the audio equivalent of licking a dead man's butt crack, but as you can see, there's other stuff out there just as bad!  So let's back off the kid a bit, cut her some slack and just go Partyin’, partyin’ (Yeah), Partyin’, partyin’ (Yeah), Fun, fun, fun, fun...
Lookin’ forward to the weekend!


Ranten N. Raven said...

Agree--this kid was NOT the worst. And she's not a "Pro" so the standard isn't as high. But here you show all these "Pros" who are worse than the 13-yr-old amateur! Thanks for suffering through putting that together!

Anonymous said...

Think Rebecca Black "Friday" is bad...listen to this one...Jenna Rose "My Jeans" Click on the link for the video

Fidel said...

Oh good lord!

That jeans video was a load of CRAP indeed.

Apparently, there is a formula to these vids. First, use vocal effects on the teeny bopper singer to hide the fact she can't sing.

Break midsong with a rapper. Some sellout loser who was forced to do the song to avoid eating dog food.

Make sure the lyrics are insipid as hell!

If this is music in the new millennium, send me back in a DeLorean to the 60's when music didn't suck!!